Not High

Didn't get HIGH last night. Dealer called wanting to know if I was going to have his $$$$ come tomorrow? Of course I said YES. I won't though.Don't know what he's going to do about it, scared I am. He won't kill me but may send some of his boys to harm me.My fault I'll get whatever. Ronnie knows who did what to me. This is the type of thing that has me wanting to stop SMOKING.DOPE.The staying up late ,not sleeping and just thinking about the trouble I'm in because of it is just plain FUCKED-UP!I want a LIFE and can't get or have one until I quit SMOKING. and it will still take time before LIFE gets better. I'm know this and am willing to wait.Not much time left for me to post. Most likely won't be posting tomorrow. Friday, maybe.Going to GROUP at the VA tomorrow and after that home to face the consequences of my addiction.

February 29 - Draw Near

How little man knows and senses My need! My need of Love and Companionship.

I came "to draw men unto Me," and sweet it is to feel hearts drawing near in Love, not for help, as much is for tender comradeship.

Many know the need of man; few know the need of Christ.

"Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice,
and open the door, I will come in to him, and will
sup with him, and he with me." Revelation 3:20

ANOTHER DAY

Well I have not gotten HIGH in several days. Also the VA says that I can get into treatment in less than 2 wks.I hope it's soon. The fear is still with me. Fear that I won't go in and also that I really don't want to quit. Hell I love getting HIGH, it's the consequences I don't want.I do want a LIFE and NOT USING is the only way. Di sent me a message about going to Vegas in Oct. and I replied I wanted to be there.It's a group thing , but those are the type of things I'm talking about doing. Going places doing something other than sit at home and watching tv.God wants something more of meI believe that in prayer I'll find what it is, but only if my mind, body and soul are free of drugs.Today on the way to the library someone told about where I could get some food ( I"m almost out). It is a church that helps a person 1 time every 6 mos. But one of the question asked on the application was What do believe about salvation? My answer was that a belief in JESUS and true repentance is a MUST. I will attempt to post everyday until I leve for treatment.

February 28 - Perfect Work

Spend more time alone with Me.

A strength and a Joy come from such times that will add much to your friendship, and much to your work.

Times of prayer are times of growth. Cut those times short and many well-filled hours of work may be profitless. Heaven's values are so different from the values of earth.

Remember that from the point of view of the Great Worker, one poor tool, working all the time, but doing bad work, is of small value compared with the sharp, keen, perfect instrument, used only a short time, but which turns out perfect work.

UPHILL

Does the road wind

uphill all the way?

Yes, to the very end,

Will the journey take

the whole long day?

From morn to night, my friend.

 -- C. G. Rossetti

"And in the morning, rising up a great while before day, he went out, and
departed into a solitary place, and there prayed." Mark 1:35

February 27 - Spirit Sounds

Take time for prayer. Take more time to be alone with Me. So only will you prosper.

Realize that the hearing of Spirit Sounds is more than the hearing of all earth's noises. I am with you. Let that content you, nay, more, let that fill you with rapture.

Seek sometimes not even to hear Me. Seek a silence of spirit-understanding with Me. Be not afraid. All is well. Dwell much on what I did, as well as what I said.

Remember, I "touched her hand, and the fever left her." Not many words, just a moment's contact and all fever left her. She was well, whole, calm, able to arise and "minister unto them."

My touch is still a potent healer. Just feel that touch. Since My Presence, and the fever of work and care and fear just melts into nothingness -- and health, joy, peace, take its place.

"For she said within herself, If I may but touch his garment, I shall be whole." Matthew 9:21

Going to Treatment

Finally getting a date for treatment.Still getting HIGH though. Seems like everynight someone comes over and offers me something. Friday night a woman I know comes over brought some beeer and CRACK. We got busy and got HIGH. Saturday night someone came over and wanted me to ride with him for some beer and a HIT.Shit I won't say NO. Last Thursday went too group meetiing and told them I had been getting HIGH and they said that was expected that some people would be getting HIGH until  their treatment time.I really thought that I could hold out until then.Aim I just playing games with myself?The longer I stay out the more I get into debt with the dealers. I KNOW I  CAN'T pay them. They just don't know and if I can stall one or two them off until I come back from treatment, I might be able to buy some food next month. Yea I don't go until the 19th of March. 

February 13 - Near The Goal

In a race it is not the start that hurts, not even the pace of the long stretch. It is when the goal is in sight that heart and nerves and courage and muscles are strained almost beyond human endurance, almost to the breaking point.

So with you now the goal is in sight, you need your final cry to Me. Can you not see by the nerve and heart rack of the past few days that your race is nearly run? Courage, courage. Heed My voice of encouragement. Remember that I am by your side, spurring you on to victory.

In the annals of heaven, the saddest records are those that tell of the many who ran well, with brave stout hearts, until in sight of the goal, of victory, and then their courage failed. The whole host of heaven longed to cry out how near the end was, to implore the last spurt, but they fell out, never to know until the last day of revealing, how near they were to victory.

Would that they had listened to Me in the silence as you two meet with Me. They would have known. There must be the listening ear, as well as the still small voice.

"And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due
season we shall reap, if we faint not." Galatians 6:9

February 7 - Light Ahead

Trust and be not afraid. Life is full of wonder. Open child-trusting eyes to all I am doing for you. Fear not.

Only a few steps more and then My Power shall be seen and known. You are, yourselves, now walking in the tunnel-darkness. Soon, you yourselves shall be lights to guide feet that are afraid.

The cries of your sufferings have pierced even to the ears of God himself -- My Father in Heaven, your Father in Heaven. To hear, with God, is to answer. For only a cry from the heart, a cry to Divine Power to help human weakness, a trusting cry, ever reaches the Ear Divine.

Remember, trembling heart, that with God, to hear is to answer. Your prayers, and they have been many, are answered.

"Before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear." Isaiah 65:24

Later That Day

As many guessed I didn't make it through the night. Some female company came by and after many ORAL delights,my possible getting back on track was out of the window.After such a bad start I made it worse by continuing to get HIGH. Later that night I had another woman come over, she stayed all night. I didn't STOP using until I had SMOKED up ALL of my $$$$$.What an ASS!!!!!!!Called the VA the next day and told my Case Manager that I would not be at my group.Could not face those people for the first time and tell them what I did.The next day I taked to a friend and was able to see that the SHAME of telling the group was BS.It was my ego trying to look good. I'll be going to the VA thursday and hopely my CM will let me into the group.I'll attempt to post more tomorrow.

February 6 - God's Longing

To the listening ear I speak, to the waiting heart I come. Sometimes, I may not speak. I may ask you merely to wait in My Presence, to know that I am with you.

Think of the multitudes who thronged Me when I was on earth all eager for something. Eager to be healed, or taught, or fed.

Think as I supplied their many wants, and granted their manifold requests, what it meant to Me, to find amid the crowd, some one or two, who followed Me just to be near Me, just to dwell in My Presence. How some longing of the Eternal Heart was satisfied thereby.

Comfort Me, a while, by letting Me know that you would seek Me just to dwell in My Presence, to be near Me, not even for teaching, not for material gain, not even for a message -- but for Me. The longing of the human heart to be loved for itself is something caught from the Great Divine Heart.

I bless you. Bow your heads.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in his word do I hope." Psalm 130:5

Last night

I can no longer say I'm CLEAN. Someone came over last night and offered me a beer and a HIT, Hell I took them both.When I go to the VA tomorrow what will I tell them? I want to be closer to my daughter, but USING I WON'T!She is the only person I really feel close too.How can I tell her I'm STILL IN THE SHIT?Not that she doesn't KNOW whats I do and WHEN I do it.I just want a good relationship between us. Ther was a time when we had it,but I started using and again and that messed it up again.I wasn't a THERE kind of dad and it was years before her and I came to almost know each other ,on a deep place. Yes there some things that we connected on, but they were a strange type of things. Like her and I liking the same kind of not only candy ,but like putting it in the "frig"to get good hard and cold.When I visited her church we went in separately and I sat in her spot. Not that made a difference ,it was the fact that no one at her church seat there except her. There were and are other things which we both feel or see the same way. It's just that she's forgiven me , yet I hold on or am forever going back into my ADDICTION.I've called her several TIME AS OF LATE AND NO RESPONSE. Have called her close friend also her mother, so far no thing. No more to post today.

February 1 - Another Start

Take courage. Do not fear.                                                  Start a new life tomorrow.

 Put the old mistakes away, and start anew. I give you a fresh start. Be not burdened. Be not anxious. If My forgiveness were for the righteous only, and those who had not sinned, where would be its need?

Remember as I said, "To whom much is forgiven, the same loveth much."

Why do you fret and worry so? I wait to give you all that is lovely, but your lives are soiled with worry and fret. You would crush My treasures. I can only bless glad, thankful hearts.

You must be glad and joyful.

"This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind,
 and reaching forth unto those things which are before." Philippians 3:13