Going to Treatment

Finally getting a date for treatment.Still getting HIGH though. Seems like everynight someone comes over and offers me something. Friday night a woman I know comes over brought some beeer and CRACK. We got busy and got HIGH. Saturday night someone came over and wanted me to ride with him for some beer and a HIT.Shit I won't say NO. Last Thursday went too group meetiing and told them I had been getting HIGH and they said that was expected that some people would be getting HIGH until  their treatment time.I really thought that I could hold out until then.Aim I just playing games with myself?The longer I stay out the more I get into debt with the dealers. I KNOW I  CAN'T pay them. They just don't know and if I can stall one or two them off until I come back from treatment, I might be able to buy some food next month. Yea I don't go until the 19th of March. 

February 13 - Near The Goal

In a race it is not the start that hurts, not even the pace of the long stretch. It is when the goal is in sight that heart and nerves and courage and muscles are strained almost beyond human endurance, almost to the breaking point.

So with you now the goal is in sight, you need your final cry to Me. Can you not see by the nerve and heart rack of the past few days that your race is nearly run? Courage, courage. Heed My voice of encouragement. Remember that I am by your side, spurring you on to victory.

In the annals of heaven, the saddest records are those that tell of the many who ran well, with brave stout hearts, until in sight of the goal, of victory, and then their courage failed. The whole host of heaven longed to cry out how near the end was, to implore the last spurt, but they fell out, never to know until the last day of revealing, how near they were to victory.

Would that they had listened to Me in the silence as you two meet with Me. They would have known. There must be the listening ear, as well as the still small voice.

"And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due
season we shall reap, if we faint not." Galatians 6:9

February 7 - Light Ahead

Trust and be not afraid. Life is full of wonder. Open child-trusting eyes to all I am doing for you. Fear not.

Only a few steps more and then My Power shall be seen and known. You are, yourselves, now walking in the tunnel-darkness. Soon, you yourselves shall be lights to guide feet that are afraid.

The cries of your sufferings have pierced even to the ears of God himself -- My Father in Heaven, your Father in Heaven. To hear, with God, is to answer. For only a cry from the heart, a cry to Divine Power to help human weakness, a trusting cry, ever reaches the Ear Divine.

Remember, trembling heart, that with God, to hear is to answer. Your prayers, and they have been many, are answered.

"Before they call, I will answer; and while they are yet speaking, I will hear." Isaiah 65:24

Later That Day

As many guessed I didn't make it through the night. Some female company came by and after many ORAL delights,my possible getting back on track was out of the window.After such a bad start I made it worse by continuing to get HIGH. Later that night I had another woman come over, she stayed all night. I didn't STOP using until I had SMOKED up ALL of my $$$$$.What an ASS!!!!!!!Called the VA the next day and told my Case Manager that I would not be at my group.Could not face those people for the first time and tell them what I did.The next day I taked to a friend and was able to see that the SHAME of telling the group was BS.It was my ego trying to look good. I'll be going to the VA thursday and hopely my CM will let me into the group.I'll attempt to post more tomorrow.

February 6 - God's Longing

To the listening ear I speak, to the waiting heart I come. Sometimes, I may not speak. I may ask you merely to wait in My Presence, to know that I am with you.

Think of the multitudes who thronged Me when I was on earth all eager for something. Eager to be healed, or taught, or fed.

Think as I supplied their many wants, and granted their manifold requests, what it meant to Me, to find amid the crowd, some one or two, who followed Me just to be near Me, just to dwell in My Presence. How some longing of the Eternal Heart was satisfied thereby.

Comfort Me, a while, by letting Me know that you would seek Me just to dwell in My Presence, to be near Me, not even for teaching, not for material gain, not even for a message -- but for Me. The longing of the human heart to be loved for itself is something caught from the Great Divine Heart.

I bless you. Bow your heads.

"I wait for the Lord, my soul does wait, and in his word do I hope." Psalm 130:5

Last night

I can no longer say I'm CLEAN. Someone came over last night and offered me a beer and a HIT, Hell I took them both.When I go to the VA tomorrow what will I tell them? I want to be closer to my daughter, but USING I WON'T!She is the only person I really feel close too.How can I tell her I'm STILL IN THE SHIT?Not that she doesn't KNOW whats I do and WHEN I do it.I just want a good relationship between us. Ther was a time when we had it,but I started using and again and that messed it up again.I wasn't a THERE kind of dad and it was years before her and I came to almost know each other ,on a deep place. Yes there some things that we connected on, but they were a strange type of things. Like her and I liking the same kind of not only candy ,but like putting it in the "frig"to get good hard and cold.When I visited her church we went in separately and I sat in her spot. Not that made a difference ,it was the fact that no one at her church seat there except her. There were and are other things which we both feel or see the same way. It's just that she's forgiven me , yet I hold on or am forever going back into my ADDICTION.I've called her several TIME AS OF LATE AND NO RESPONSE. Have called her close friend also her mother, so far no thing. No more to post today.

February 1 - Another Start

Take courage. Do not fear.                                                  Start a new life tomorrow.

 Put the old mistakes away, and start anew. I give you a fresh start. Be not burdened. Be not anxious. If My forgiveness were for the righteous only, and those who had not sinned, where would be its need?

Remember as I said, "To whom much is forgiven, the same loveth much."

Why do you fret and worry so? I wait to give you all that is lovely, but your lives are soiled with worry and fret. You would crush My treasures. I can only bless glad, thankful hearts.

You must be glad and joyful.

"This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind,
 and reaching forth unto those things which are before." Philippians 3:13